My surname is Xu, given name Yanliang, thirty-four years old, RH-negative, blood type O, a birthmark on my left shoulder shaped like a crumpled leaf someone casually tore off.
—These are data, labels, “features” that can be photocopied, transplanted, replicated. They’re like commodity barcodes, scanned into the system with a “beep” from a laser gun, and the system nods: exists.
But if the same day, same hospital, same genetic combination was replicated into two vials of blood, two patches of skin, two sets of vocal cords—which “beep” should the system answer to? In other words, which one is really “me”?
I. The Coordinates of Pain.
In the Bangkok cold storage, I seriously thought about this question for the first time.
Back then, liquid nitrogen mist hit my face like countless tiny teeth.
I hugged my knees and watched Zero being wheeled in, the metal door closing with a “CLICK,” like the world folding me in half.
In that moment, I clearly felt: pain. Not philosophical “pain of existence,” but specific, physical pain—skin being torn by cold. It was on my face, not anyone else’s. So I used this “coordinate” to locate myself—I am here, not her.
Later, Liu Yu told me pain can be trained: electric shocks, starvation, cold water can suppress the reaction to within 0.12 seconds.
I was depressed after hearing that. Turns out even pain can be faked.
But then I thought—even if reactions can be trained, the location of pain cannot be transplanted. My tongue has tasted scalding heat, my left knee has hit concrete, my fingertips have touched the sharpness of the Yuan River in winter.
These coordinates are like a private map only I can read. Others can copy the route, but they can’t copy the sweat stains and blood scabs “I” left along that path.
So I drew my first boundary: identity is not genes—it’s the pain points genes have walked through in time. Pain cannot be shared, so it becomes “my” most private watermark.
II. The Cracks of Memory.
But pain can also be forgotten.
After the cold storage incident, I for a time couldn’t remember how I’d crawled out of the basement—memory like a formatted hard drive, fragmented, glitchy, skipping frames. I panicked, thinking “I” had been cut and pasted by someone.
So I started “backing up”: two pages of diary every day, fountain pen, no encryption, deliberately ugly handwriting so the strokes carried that day’s palm sweat; one bare-faced photo every week, no filters, keeping dark circles and acne; one voice recording every month, reciting “Mulberry Tree and Lampstand,” off-key and unedited.
I stored these “fragments” in an iron box, labeled on the outside: Not evidence, just fragments.
I told myself: memory can lie. Fragments cannot.
Fragments are the debris “I” dropped in that moment—even I myself cannot reassemble them into a perfect lie. If one day the system tells me: you’re a stand-in.
I’ll dump the iron box on the floor, point at those crumpled photos, dried duck soup stains, off-key recordings and say: You can forge a memory, but you can’t forge a whole box of illogical fragments.
They have no narrative, but they carry the smell of time—something even I can’t lie to.
III. The Magic of Naming.
However many fragments there are, they need to be “named.” What humans fear most isn’t losing their body—it’s losing their name. A name is magic, a spell, the first step in turning a lump of flesh into a “person.”
At the police station, when I transferred my household registration back under Lin Chuntao’s name and wrote “Xu Yanzhen,” the doctor had just removed her IV needle. She was weak but insisted on writing the last stroke herself—the final horizontal of “Zhen”, she dragged it long and hard, like she wanted to slice through over a decade of blankness.
When she finished, she grinned at me, tears rolling down at the same time. In that moment I understood: naming isn’t a legal procedure—it’s the stitch that sews yourself back into the world.
Without that stitch, all fragments are just ruins. With it, fragments can form a mirror that reflects a human shape.
So I drew my second boundary: identity is not memory—it’s the moment memory is named. In that moment, you’re willing to admit these fragments are yours, and dare to shout their name to the world—“I am Xu Yanzhen”—and the magic takes effect.
IV. The Echo of the Other.
But magic needs the other. Without the other’s echo, naming is just talking to yourself.
At the ICU door, I first heard someone call me “sister.” The voice was light as a cat’s, but it carried irreplaceable directionality—it could only land in my ears, not in anyone else’s genome.
In that moment, I knew I was anchored: in this world, there is someone whose pain, whose memory, whose naming, all point to me.
Therefore, I must exist—otherwise her pointing would fall empty, and her world would miss a corner.
Later, Lin Chuntao handed me duck soup and said “don’t burn yourself”; Liang Zhao handed me the hard drive and said “don’t lose it”; Wu Shuang handed me the receipt and said “sign here”; Old Zhou handed me the closing bulletin and said “testify.” Each handoff was a confirmation: you exist, and you must exist—otherwise our actions lose meaning.
So I drew my third boundary: identity is not self-declaration—it’s the other’s willingness to put your name into their verbs. Existence is a byproduct of being needed by the other.
V. Light in the Cracks.
After drawing three boundaries, I still can’t give the ultimate answer to “who am I.” But I’m no longer panicked.
Because I’ve accepted a fact: identity is not a solid—it’s cracks. The self is not a mirror—it’s a jigsaw puzzle.
Embedded in the cracks is pain that cannot be replicated. On the back of the puzzle is a naming that cannot be forged. And at the edges of the puzzle, the other’s hands hold it, pressing piece by piece into the world’s bigger picture.
Even if the cracks remain, even if fragments can fall at any time, it doesn’t matter—light leaks through the cracks, illuminating the next piece that needs to be placed.
So when someone asks me again: “How do you know you’re you?” I’ll kick the question back:
“Have you ever felt pain? Have you ever named something? Have you ever been needed? If yes, then you are yourself. If no, then go find—find the pain, find the name, find the person willing to call out to you.”
VI. Epilogue: The Duck Soup Theorem.
Finally, let me return to that pot of burnt-bottom duck soup. It’s charred, bitter, contains carcinogens, yet it became the anchor of my entire philosophical system. Because it simultaneously satisfies three boundaries:
1. Pain—I’ve bitten my tongue on it;
2. Naming—Lin Chuntao calls it “Zhijiang duck”;
3. Other—Yanzhen says “burnt is still fragrant.”
Thus, I propose a crude but effective “Duck Soup Theorem”:
Identity = unshareable pain × moment of being named × echo of being needed by the other.
As long as all three factors exist simultaneously, you too can be certain: you are you, not a stand-in, not a mold, not a mirror that can be replicated in 0.12 seconds.
After writing this, I turned off the light. The studio fell back into darkness. I touched the birthmark on my left shoulder—it’s still there, like a read-only chip that will never be formatted. Then I called out:
“Yanzhen, duck soup’s ready. Come drink.”
From the next room came the slap of slippers. She answered: “Coming—”
In that second, I knew: I exist.